You know you’re struggling if memes or simple inspirational quotes like “you got this Mama, you’re doing better than you think” bring a tear (or more) to your eye. Or a meme about thriving some days and surviving others – I think everyone can relate that one. Some may think, “that’s motherhood” in general, working or not, but there is a unique cultural shared experience happening right now. This is not our normal. This is not what we chose nor planned for. Being a working mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. Being a work from home mom with kids home – depending on the COVID risk level and school schedule, no daycare, daycare shut down – whatever your situation/reason, is hard. Being a fricking mom is hard. We know this! This is not new information. But being a mom trying to do a good job for which you are paid and your family depends on, while parenting, while homeschooling, during a pandemic, while worrying about all the normal mom things to worry about, is fucking hard. It is a lot. A lot. We are so exhausted and mentally and emotionally drained.

You would think we’d be used to this – this COVID-era working and parenting and everything at once. But I’m still having so many hard days. It continues to be a painful pendulum swinging between feeling good at one job and bad at another. Mom versus paid employee. When it comes to attention, focus, effort and general desire to do well…my kids are going to pull me and win me every time. When I have to ask them to wait or am not fully present in listening nor able to help with school work, when I’m unable to play cars or have to rush through nap time to get back to work, I feel so guilty, so shitty. I just want to quit my job. I know it’s not logical but in the emotion of the moment that’s how I feel. I just want to focus on doing one job and not be divided and pulled, literally and figuratively. I want to only have to worry about being their mom, the best mom, not a subpar version that is short fused and impatient. (Fully aware that if that was my single focus I may want my job back. Not the point.)

Some days I feel like I’m failing at both jobs. I feel stressed, overwhelmed, find it hard to breath. I feel like I can’t talk on the phone or collaborate for work. I feel like I can’t read another book or rock a little longer for nap time. I cannot give anyone or anything my complete attention and best effort. I felt like this sometimes before COVID so to say it’s next level now is an understatement. Recently it’s been much worse because of a change in workload, projects I can’t easily do by myself, new things to learn and juggle.

Then the other day, my Internet went out, for the whole afternoon, when I had SO much work to do. The toddler was napping and big kids were at school. I sent a text to friends I’d been in touch with earlier that day and immediately felt insecure, like I shouldn’t have sent it, didn’t want to complain. Then, as I shared more how I was feeling, I completely broke down. It was a good thing my Internet was out because I was in no shape to perform the work I needed to do nor keep the screen share meeting session on my calendar. I felt like it was God’s way of enabling me to let it out, to actually share how much I was struggling with friends. Of course to acknowledge it made me cry more. Sometimes it may seem easier to try and keep it in but it always comes out!

I do think it’s much easier to gloss over or keep things private when you’re not seeing people nor in regular enough contact that it’s going to come up as naturally or feel as comfortable to talk about. It feels awkward and self indulgent to randomly text or call and say “hey, I’m having a really hard time,” because so many of us are, and we all have different scenarios. I’ll think, “well I shouldn’t complain because think about the people in this situation or that, people who have to go in to work or who have lost their jobs, people who have it so much harder. I can’t say anything because I’m fortunate enough to be able to work from home and see my kids and do it all.”

While it’s good to keep perspective, and remember and recognize our blessings, it does not negate our own hardships or struggles. They are all unique and to compare is unfair. Obviously yes, some people have a lot more on their plate than others or are dealing with more immediate serious or life threatening situations. Some people cannot work from home and/or work a “non-traditional” schedule as far as hours and days. That’s a whole other level of childcare and parenting stress. I don’t think it would be appropriate to complain or vent to someone like this – you have to know your audience. BUT, if not everyone is sharing sometimes we legit do not know our best audience.

Some days go smoother than others. Some days my toddler is playing contently by himself while the big kids are at school or the older ones are taking turns helping with him while doing their schoolwork. Other days he just wants me no matter who is around to help or may need help themselves. Just today he was clinging to me saying, “want Mommy” over and over while I sat at my computer trying to work, trying to hold it together as tears silently began to stream down my cheek, and my husband tried to help. My husband came and picked up our reluctant toddler, took him to the basement where he was still working himself, so I could finish what I was working on before lunch.

Some may say we need to figure out childcare. Every situation is different but for us it is a combination of things that have kept us from sending him back to our daycare center. Meanwhile, we’ve lost our spot and will need to go back on the wait list whenever we are ready anyways. Then who knows how long that may take and what the situation may be then. For those that have sent their kids back they still deal with childcare issues when the center abruptly closes for two weeks due to positive COVID cases at the center. And babysitters or in-home daycare, while they can be wonderful for some, come with a lot of moving pieces regardless of COVID, so that’s a whole other logistical and other type of stress. At least centers are regulated and protocol is very strict and clearly communicated. Also, I have to admit that I haven’t wanted to send my toddler back to daycare. I like having him home, even though it makes it harder for me to do my job.

Despite everything I said above, I like this extra time with my youngest that I didn’t have with my other two in this precious stage of development. And the other two are still home some days under our hybrid model, which is nice for everyone, sometimes. Even though they help a lot with their little brother, sometimes those days are actually harder. More people, more possible problems and attention needed/divided. Distance learning and sibling fighting. We have asked a lot of our big kids throughout this COVID-era. We know it’s hard on them to juggle and deal with everything too and we definitely acknowledge that to them.

So what now? It’s not going away. It’s getting worse. COVID and the stress. For us, now is not the time to begin new childcare. We will continue doing what we’re doing with everyone home some days and just little man home others. Unless of course the big kids get sent back to all distance learning. Time will tell. We know we can do it, because we’ve had to and we have been. But when you’re in the midst of a stressful moment, or day, it it’s helpful to hear it from the outside: you got this. You can do this. You are doing this. It will not be this hard forever. Sometimes by the time you do connect with someone and they ask how you’re doing, it’s passed. You no longer feel it nor think it worth mentioning, to dredge it back up. Then come the next work day, you’re right back in it.

We’re all in it and it is hard, so hard, some days. The nights and weekends hold so much extra anticipation and joy for the simple fact that we’re not working. Even though we’re together all the time, the time spent together is so different. We’re juggling one less heavy thing. Parenting is hard enough. Working is hard enough. Being a working parent is hard enough under normal times. As everyone keeps reminding us, these are not normal times. And yet, it’s hard not to have normal expectations for ourselves at home and at work. Also not all employers and supervisors share nor show the same level of understanding for these not normal times. Again, if they’re not sharing it is hard to know our audience to share ourselves, to say “I’m overwhelmed.” And then what? Maybe it’s a job that nothing can be shifted but at least there may be some more understanding on the other end of the call or email.

We need to share. Someone needs to start it, open it up within the relationships. Now I’m not saying post your private life up and down social media every day. Please do not do that. I’m just saying it can be a vicious cycle of not wanting nor feeling comfortable to share, even with those close to us, and them not sharing either. Whereas if we can crack the cycle, share a little more how we’re struggling, it just may help. Hugs to all you working moms out there, to all the mamas! I feel you. Treasure and soak up every ounce of that weekend or off day.

Cheers to the weekend!!